Dear Ms. Coulter,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and timely criticism of the sport we defiantly call soccer. I can tell you have good intentions — who can fault you for being suspicious of foreigners, immigrants, academia, or gender equality? Given the connections you see between the sport and these forces of evil, it’s no wonder you label soccer’s growing popularity a sign of “moral decay.” Still, as a patriot who puts American exceptionalism first, I think you’ll be able to see why soccer is just the game our nation needs to be playing.

Let’s start first with the issue of soccer’s foreign roots. You’re right in pointing out that soccer is not originally an American game. While we were able to enhance rugby and rounders to make football and baseball, we missed the boat on soccer and now get by on just calling it a different name. This brings me to my first point: How American would it be to dominate something while not even knowing what it’s called? I know Christopher Columbus would be proud!

Then there’s the issue of immigrants. Most of our national team and much of its fan base, as you allude to, are not Sons or Daughters of the American Revolution. A quick count of the World Cup roster reveals five surnames that end in vowels and five Germans of questionable loyalties. Far from a warning sign that soccer is un-American, this is actually a testament to the American tradition of passing off the dirty work to the new guys. Think about the Chinese migrants who built the railroads or the Mexican workers who make sure you can buy grapes at Whole Foods — these guys are going to win us our World Cup, and then maybe the “American[s] whose great-grandfather[s] [were] born here,” as you put it, will let them stay.

I understand your concerns about things like the metric system, which liberals “adore because it’s European,” and the level playing field for men and women, since “no serious sport is co-ed.” In soccer’s defense, the distances used in the sport (10 yards of space for a free kick, for example) are all based on our system of measurements, not the Metric system foreign chumps and kooky “scientists” insist on using — score one for the Americans! And unlike those pinko sports like NASCAR or thoroughbred racing, soccer’s highest stage has never seen a female athlete, though (I must disclose) our liberal media might occasionally expose you to a female sideline reporter. But that’s their fault, not soccer’s!

So give soccer a chance — I’m sure you’ll see the American ideals you value are the lifeblood of this sport. Luckily for you, there’s a huge international competition going on right now, and the most American thing you can do is get heavily involved without knowing any details about what’s going on.

Best,

Joe

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